Tuesday, April 23, 2013
so, this is happening...
It is weird that I've been so silent lately considering how much has been on my mind. I think that writing those thoughts intimidates me because then it gets real. Things are going so smoothly right now that I feel like I can look back on these experiences with a sense of accomplishment instead of trepidation, like I once did. I think that it takes an amount of bravery to express those emotions in writing in real time that I just don't possess quite yet. It is easier for me to write about things that have happened instead of reporting them live. Also, with all of the events that have transpired over the last few months, I hardly know where to begin. I suppose now is as good of a time as any to pick up where I left off and be as honest as possible about everything.
Just before our engagement, I was facing some serious issues with my new supervisor and my work and my happiness were suffering. I decided to step down from my current position and accept a new position at a lower salary to separate myself from the unpleasant environment in my professional life. I had always been so proud of myself for working my way up to my current job and at the time, I didn't realize how stepping down would affect my confidence and my self esteem. I was trying desperately to find some sense of accomplishment in my new duties but the work wasn't challenging me and I found myself bored and lacking any sense of pride in my work and it began to affect my personal life. Our recent decision not to move to Boston had also been weighing on me. I was so excited to make a change and instead I was stuck in a rut, in fact I was feeling that I had even taken a step back from where I was. I kept reflecting back on my time during chemotherapy and all the promises I made to myself to make the most of my life. I was failing myself and even worse, I felt like I was failing Carley, the woman I was planning to ask to marry me. What did I have to offer her?
Thankfully, as she always does, she gave me a chance. Against all odds, we decided to put our heads together and plan our wedding, and our future lives together. I feel so lucky to have such an amazing lady at my side and that she wants to stay there for the rest of our lives.
I am so overcome with emotion lately that I am timid to put things down on paper for risk of sounding like a cheese ball. Maybe its just me, though I can't imagine that it is, but I feel ridiculously nostalgic...about everything. And everyone. The last time I was single, I was 16. Carley and I have grown up together. We've shared all of our "first" everything together; our first house, our first car purchase, first dog, first love. We have so much fun together that thinking of myself as a single unit hardly makes sense anymore. Looking back at those memories lately has been almost as breathtaking as the experiences themselves.
Of course my memories of Carley and I are pulling constantly at my heartstrings but I have to admit, I have an awesome group of girls in my bridal party that have been at my side all these years. Especially lately when I struggled with my work, they have pulled me up, encouraged me, shown me a good time, and occasionally gotten me good and drunk when I've needed it. You are each amazing friends and I love you.
This is the most exciting time in my life. I have finally started a new position working for a company that respects and values my ideas, my creativity, and my opinions. I am constantly surrounded by people in my life who encourage me to ask more out of myself. I have been showered with love and support, sometimes from the most unexpected places, and I am DAYS away from marrying the best woman I've ever met. You'll be able to hear more at the wedding (or catch it on the DVD release), but I am in love with her. She never loses faith in me or ceases to give me all of her support. Together, we can do anything and we have accomplished so much already. I am on the precipice of something so amazing that I am not even remotely afraid to fall right into it.